I’M SORRY, MOM: How Writing My YA Novel Helped Me Better Understand Her Alcohol Addiction, a guest post by Susan Azim Boyer
A few years back, I wrote an article about how difficult it has been to reconcile the complex feelings I have had about my mother since her sudden death in 2002. For most of my young and adolescent life, she struggled with alcohol addiction. I appointed myself the guardian of her sobriety and became angry and frustrated with her when I failed. But my mother was also incredibly kind-hearted and fiercely proud of me and my sister. In short, it was complicated.
I incorporated much of this complicated dynamic into my young adult novel, The Search For Us, in which two teens, Henry and Samira, are DNA-matched with each other instead of their missing father and embark on a search together to find him. His absence has blown a big black hole in the center of their lives including Samira’s older brother, Kamron, who struggles with alcohol addiction.
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While Henry is loosely based on my husband’s experience finding a half-sister he had never known and their search for their father, Samira is very much me. She assumes responsibility for Kamron as I did for my mother. Because I had attended recovery counseling with my mother and had been to Al-Anon meetings, I presumed to know everything about alcohol addiction and co-dependency when I submitted the draft manuscript to my editor.
When my editor suggested an authenticity read from someone in recovery, I was offended. This was my lived experience. I knew what I was talking about.
Boy, was I humbled when the reader’s (quinn b. rodriguez) notes on the early draft came in. Thank goodness I had time to address them.
First and foremost, quinn called attention to the extremely judgmental attitude Samira had toward her brother. I re-read the first several chapters and was stunned – and, frankly, embarrassed – by Samira’s lack of compassion for Kamron, which mirrored my own lack of compassion for my mother. Samira is so caught up in her quest to “save” her brother, she becomes downright resentful when she can’t, again, just like me.
Secondly, quinn illuminated how Samira views her brother’s alcohol addiction entirely through the prism of how it makes her feel with little regard for his suffering. Throughout the early draft, she unwittingly demonizes him and uses outdated, ableist language like “tweaker” and “rehab” (instead of “recovery”).
quinn also pointed out (among other things) that Samira mistakenly views Kamron’s recovery as a fixed, finite state rather than a fluid process that may ebb and flow over his life. Rather than support him, she is determined to control him and his addiction.
quinn’s suggestions greatly influenced the final draft and made me reconsider my relationship with my mother. This is what I would do differently if I knew then what I know now:
Have compassion for her: It’s easy to become overwhelmed by feelings of anger and frustration, but I would try not to lose sight of the real human being – her vulnerability and fragility – suffering from the addiction.
Distinguish between the person and the behavior: I was accustomed to saying, “My mother is an alcoholic,” but that’s not the sum total of her. A better way to frame it would be, “My mother is struggling with alcohol addiction.”
Reaffirm my love for her while drawing a firm boundary around the behavior: Many times, I became so frustrated with my mother’s drinking that we became estranged for months at a time. Now, I would reassure her that I love her but that I choose not to be around her when she’s drinking.
Release my sense of control: Bottom line, I couldn’t control the addiction (no one can). I would accept that while reaffirming my love for my mother and support for her path to recovery.
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Now that she’s gone, I can’t re-live the past. But, by integrating what I’ve learned in The Search For Us, I hope I will give teen readers some tools to better cope with a family member who may be struggling with addiction.
Meet the author
Susan Azim Boyer is the author of The Search For Us and Jasmine Zumideh Needs a Win, both from Wednesday Books.
About The Search for Us
“A sharp-witted and illuminating, impressive sophomore novel.” – Isaac Blum, author of the award-nominated The Life and Crimes of Hoodie Rosen
Two half-siblings who have never met embark on a search together for the Iranian immigrant and U.S. Army veteran father they never knew.
Samira Murphy will do anything to keep her fractured family from falling apart, including caring for her widowed grandmother and getting her older brother into recovery for alcohol addiction. With attendance at her dream college on the line, she takes a long shot DNA test to find the support she so desperately needs from a father she hasn’t seen since she was a baby.
Henry Owen is torn between his well-meaning but unreliable bio-mom and his overly strict aunt and uncle, who stepped in to raise him but don’t seem to see him for who he is. Looking to forge a stronger connection to his own identity, he takes a DNA test to find the one person who might love him for exactly who he is—the biological father he never knew.
Instead of a DNA match with their father, Samira and Henry are matched with each other. They begin to search for their father together and slowly unravel the difficult truth of their shared past, forming a connection that only siblings can have and recovering precious parts of their past that have been lost. Brimming with emotional resonance, Susan Azim Boyer’s The Search for Us beautifully renders what it means to find your place in the world through the deep and abiding power of family.
ISBN-13: 9781250833709
Publisher: Wednesday Books
Publication date: 10/24/2023
Age Range: 12 – 18 Years
Filed under: Book Reviews
About Amanda MacGregor
Amanda MacGregor works in an elementary library, loves dogs, and can be found on Twitter @CiteSomething.
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