#MHYALit: Shattered Illusions: Growing up with a Bipolar Father, a guest post by Kim Baccellia
No one spoke out loud about my father’s strange behavior, but I knew something wasn’t quite right with him. My question would be answered with either silence or in a lowered voice, “We don’t discuss that.”
There were days he’d be like a helium balloon, filled with so much air and energy that I swear he’d be floating. When Dad drank? He was that funny drunk. He’d tell these hilarious stories that would have me and my sisters laughing. Dad could be very charming. He was very impulsive. He loved animals and Grandma Baccellia once shared how he brought home an injured bird, asking her to help it.
Then there was the other side. The nights he’d scream for the demons to leave him alone while he’d slam his fist into the drywall. Our walls resembled Swiss cheese. He’d stay in his darkened room for days. My older half-sister told me that she remembered him taking his rifle and shooting out the windows of their house. Police were called but nothing much came out of it. When he was down? He’d put his .57 Magnum to his head and threatened to kill himself. Even now I can hear that click of his gun.
Other times he’d sleep forever. There were more than a few times, he wouldn’t pick Mom and us up at the supermarket. We’d walk home with the grocery cart loaded with groceries. When we got home? Dad would be asleep on the couch.
I was embarrassed and didn’t invite anyone over to visit. You never knew when he’d go off on someone. Even going to church came with conditions. Dad didn’t like us going to the local Mormon church. Since Mom refused to drive, we walked everywhere and that included to church. I still remember him following us in his truck, threatening to shoot and kill the bishop if we continued to the church. Mom rounded us up and we went back home.
Fear ruled our lives. It became a way of life and became my master. I was on hyper alert 24/7 as I never knew what would set Dad off on one of those moods. It was best to stay out of his way.
I also remember how isolated I felt. Who could I talk to about what was going on in our home? I was told that if we said anything? Social services would come and take us away. Or we’d end up on the street. To this day homelessness is still my biggest fear.
What makes this all so tragic is Dad refused help. I remember him saying, “I’m not crazy.” The times that he did self-medicate with alcohol did help but even that was frowned on. Yes, as a teen I purchased his favorite Yukon Jack whiskey. That was until a bishop told me, “Good Mormon girls don’t buy alcohol.”
When I confided in a close friend? The next day at the middle school I attended, she informed me that her father said, “No good Mormon girl said such terrible things about her own father.” She wasn’t to hang with me anymore. To make matters worse? She introduced me to her new best friend. Yes, I was that girl who ate in the bathroom stall.
Once again I was the ‘bad’ one for trying to help make an unbearable situation lighter.
After Dad’s death, I asked my mother if he was bipolar. I took an abnormal psychology class in college that nailed what I’d witnessed in my father’s behavior growing up. She told me that yes, he was. With that information, I went to my doctor and read up on this mental illness. Knowledge is power. I even attended a mental illness symposium that was held during BYU’s Education Week. They ended up having to turn people away. Listening to the speaker, I was propelled to share my own story. Afterwards, more than a few people came up to me and said, “I was your father. That was me.”
Now I believe it’s important to speak out and not to be afraid. That’s the only way the stigma against mental illness will lessen. It’ll also help others to go get help and not end up like my father.
I need to make a disclaimer that not all of those who have bipolar disorder have similar situations. Each experience is different. One thing I do want to stress is that bipolar people aren’t all violent. In my family case though, Dad experienced violence growing up. Uncle Bud, who also was bipolar, was very violent. One family member shared that my uncle would throw hammers whenever he was angry. So chances are good that others who witnessed similar violence in their lives might also respond the same way. An example is my older half-brother who shot out the windows of his mother’s house which was very similar to what Dad did.
I wished that Dad had gotten help or that someone had stepped up and admitted him to the hospital. At that time though, the prevalent thinking was it was best to stay out of other’s lives as that was their ‘business.’ We did try to get him help but I learned that you can’t help someone unless they admit they need that help.
At the end of his life, Dad probably suffered another psychotic break. He refused to bathe as he felt the government poisoned the water. Mom told me he said that he was so angry at everything. They found him dead in front of a restaurant in his Blazer truck with his Boxer dog.
How I wished that there had books for teens that addressed this mental issue. Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt so alone and to blame.
I’ve been researching more on bipolar disorder and looking for YA books that handle this subject. Here’s a list of ten books that I felt were authentic and resonated with me.
When We Collided by Emory Lord
I could totally relate with the descriptions of Vivi’s mania as my older half-brother Ricky used similar descriptions. Lord nails the ups and downs of manic depression.
A very realistic portrayal of a teen with bipolar disorder and a relationship that is at times loving and destructive.
Ellen Hopkins isn’t afraid to tackle sensitive subjects. One reason why I love her writing so much. In Impulse, readers visit a psych ward where one of the teens battles her bipolar disorder.
This is How I Find Her by Sara Polsky
What I love about this novel is how Polsky nails the emotional struggles of a teen with her bipolar mother. A lot of these emotions I could totally relate with.
Mind Race by Patrick E. Jamieson
This is more of a memoir of a teen’s experience dealing with bipolar disorder. A must read for those who want to educate themselves on this mental issue.
A must read for paranormal fans that shows bipolar disorder in a realistic light.
The Perks of being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
Loved this coming of age story where bipolar disorder isn’t shown in the usual stereotypical matter.
Love how Reeves shows a strong bipolar protagonist in this paranormal thriller.
The Rules of Survival by Nancy Werlin
This one really stuck a nerve as my father was also that violent, abusive bipolar. You never knew what to expect in our house. But once again, I have to stress that my experience might not be someone else’s.
The Impossible Knife of Memory by Laurie Halse Anderson
This book isn’t about bipolar disorder but shows a very realistic view of a teen that struggles with her father that suffers from PTSD. Many times I wondered if Dad also had this going on too especially after I found he’d been abused as a child. Haunting and powerful, it resonated with me.
Meet Kim Baccellia
I’m a YA author, Staff reviewer for YA Books Central, and a homeschooling mom. I’ve been a part of the Cybils-Children’s and Young Adult Blogger’s Literary Awards and I’m very passionate about diversity in YA/children literature. I graduated from BYU with a degree in elementary education and also attended CSU Fullerton grad program in bilingual/bicultural education. I love parrots, yoga, poetry, Jaime from the Outlander series, and anything Parisian. I’m a total bookaholic. A good place to find me is either at the local Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf with a nommy iced tea latte or a Barnes & Noble where I’ll be perusing the YA section.
Filed under: #MHYALit
About Amanda MacGregor
Amanda MacGregor works in an elementary library, loves dogs, and can be found on Twitter @CiteSomething.
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