We were going to have a brother but got a sister instead: HG from a tween’s perspective

A word from Caitlin’s mother:

My name is Bridget and I am the mother of this extraordinary young lady. Caitlin wrote that during my pregnancy with Brendan, I “went into the hospital for a long time”.  About seven weeks total to be exact. I suffered from a rare condition called “hyperemesis gravidarum” or “HG” a disease that strikes approximately 1  in 1,000  women during pregnancy.  HG causes unrelenting nausea and vomiting. It goes beyond any stomach flu, food poisoning, hangover, or migraine that one can ever imagine and it goes on for some women the entire pregnancy. Many women are put on anti-emetic medications that are often prescribed to cancer patients. They survive on IVs to get fluids and on a PICC line to receive vital nutrients.  Without IV’s and PICCs, some women will die.  There is no known cause; there is no known cure-except to come to the end of pregnancy. I was no stranger to HG when I got so sick with Brendan, as I had suffered with it during my pregnancy with Caitlin. In that pregnancy, I spent about 5 months hospitalized and lost total of 50 lbs. I was a slave tied to my IV pole and went three whole months without swallowing a bite of food. However that pregnancy was a picnic compared to my pregnancy with Brendan. I became very sick very quickly and within a month was on a feeding tube that went through my nose. Even that was not enough to keep me from vomiting out the nutrients the tube was putting in. My doctor gave me a choice- “abort the baby or leave your daughter without a mother”. Neither of these choices were a viable option and I told the doctor to save my life and Brendan’s life. Even though, I remained firm in my resolve to pull through with my baby boy, I was terrified that I would be leaving my daughter. I remember calling a girlfriend and asking her to take Caitlin shopping for school clothes because that was a job I knew my husband could not do as well as me. Although I knew leaving Caitlin without a mother would be unthinkable, I could not imagine telling her that she would not have her baby brother.

I never had to make that decision. My body decided for me. After an ultrasound to check on my failing kidneys, a nurse told me that Brendan no longer had a heartbeat. I felt my whole world collapse and cursed my body for not succumbing to my illness. The days following were a blur. I remember Caitlin being at the hospital and the doctors and nurses telling me that they had never met a better behaved, well-mannered child and I should be proud. All I could think was, “I should have two well behaved children”.

The next year and a half were difficult. I grieved for my son and for Caitlin’s brother. I tried to get her to talk about her loss, and most of the time ended up crying while she comforted me. Caitlin gave me one of her baby dolls, which she named,  “Brendan baby” and lovingly wrapped the doll in the real Brendan’s blankets.  One terrible afternoon, when I discovered to my horror that items had been removed off of Brendan’s grave, I froze in the car at the grocery store because I couldn’t go on and shop for food. I was done. Caitlin took me by the hand and led me into the store and picked out dinner.

I hate that my illness and Brendan’s death has caused her to age faster. I hate that she had to take care of me when it was the other way around. I hate that she saw me weak and sick and helpless. I hate that she thought that she could lose her mother. I hate that she lost her brother. But, this experience has taught me so much about my daughter. She is generous, kind, brave, smart, and she is truly the most exceptional child I have ever met. She has grown up very fast, but she is still my baby.

A lot of people asked me why I tried again after being so ill with Caitlin, why would I put my body through that again? The answer is always the same: I would go through it all over again in a heartbeat to have another like her.

Find out more at the Hypermesis Education and Research Foundation (HER Foundation) at www.helpher.org